New Jersey Moms Blog

Why Friendships Change With Children

As a stay-at-home mom it is the "mommy" part of me that dominates my existence. I am caring for my children 24-hours-a-day. Yes, even in the middle of the night when I nurse my sick baby, reassure my toddler that everything is okay and he should go back to sleep after a bad dream, or just lie there in bed and worry about nursery school and an upcoming doctors appointment. Of course it didn't used to be this way. Before my children were born I used to work, read, watch movies, go out to eat, and enjoy a full social life. It should be no surprise to me that becoming a mom has altered my friendships, but when I was pregnant it never occured to me how much having a baby would change those relationships.

Some friendships with other mothers have blossomed though the bond of shared experiences and the ability to turn to one another for advice about parenting. While other relationships have faltered as the divide between lifestyles expands. I find it particularly difficut to relate well to some friends who are in very different life stages; I live in suburbia, wake up by 7am and go to sleep by 10pm, and would rather curl up on my couch to watch a movie than spend the night out at a bar. I haven't dated in almost 7 years and it is my impression that dating now is incredibly different than it used to be thanks to Facebook, texting, and twitter. I listen sympathetically when my single friends discuss how hard it is, but always feel like my offers of advice and attempts to comfort are inadequate. I don't think it helps matters that the perception of some of those friends is that as a stay-at-home mom I have some perfect life (husband - check, kids - check) that includes shopping and watching tv all day.

Where are the Kid-Friendly Coffee Shops?

The variety of small businesses in my community are a large part of the reason my husband and I chose to move to this quaint North Jersey suburb and we try to support them when possible. As an admitted latte-addict my quest to find the perfect blend of espresso and steamed milk led me to several local coffee houses. At first I found this search to be an adventure and enjoyed exploring different parts of my new town to satisfy my craving, but it didn't take long for a trend to emerge and almost kill my caffine buzz: coffee shops in my area are not child friendly.

We moved to this commuter suburb from from a fairly urban area where moms walked with their tots all over town and local businesses catered to the stroller-mom crowd. Many of the restaurants and coffee shops there were gathering places for the stay-at-home moms looking to get out. I was aware that moving out of a high rise and into a house would translate to driving more and walking less, but I had no idea that I would find any trouble when bringing baby along. Some establishments make their disapproval of a child clear with dirty looks and sighs of annoyance from employees when we enter, while others send their message through aisles too narrow for strollers and the absense of high chairs. I take the hint and don't return to those places.

The Kid Connection

I consider myself to be a bit socially awkward. My friends disagree, but then again, they are my friends and I feel comfortable around them. It's when I am around people I don't know well that I feel particularly uneasy. I am terrible with names and despise the routine of small talk. It feels so forced to go through the standard opening conversation of, "where are you from?" and, "what do you do?" And even worse is the generic fall back topic when you have nothing in common with the other person and can't think of anything else to say: the weather. Well, my anxiety about those completely unnatural conversations has eased a bit since becoming a mother thanks to the abundance of chit-chat material that my children provide.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not (or at least try not to be) one of those people who just talk about their kids for hours on end. In fact, as a stay-at-home mom I am easily insulted when someone only brings up mom-related topics, assuming that I wouldn't have any real thoughts on the the state of the economy, the latest fashion trends, or a new movie. I guess it's just that parenthood creates a connection that makes it easy to relate to others. I honestly love getting advice from fellow moms and hearing about how another parent handles a stubborn two-year-old or a colicy infant. It's always nice to know that so many others share your experience.

Neverending Naptime

I only have two children; one is two and the other is five months old. My husband and I hope to add a few more children to our family at some point, but I just don't understand how I would ever leave the house with any additional kids. The thing is, even with just two children it's always somebody's naptime.

I am incredibly grateful that my two year old has always been a pretty good sleeper. The fact that he puts up little, if any, fuss about taking his daily nap is truly a blessing for this over-tired mother. However, now that my younger son has begun a regular napping schedule of three naps daily I feel like I am trapped in my house. The four naps between the two boys means there is never enough time to get anything else done, let alone leave the house.