March 11, 2010

Attack of the 10-Foot Dust Bunnies

Bunny After seven years of assorted abuse, our family room carpet was done.

It had been a good rug… a loyal rug. It had kept our feet warm and weathered food spills, kid insults, dog insults and the various other detritus of family life. But eventually the binding started to shred and the bare spots got barer and we decided the time had come to replace it.

I shopped around and finally settled on a nice area rug that would hide the occasional dog mishaps. We had it delivered, the old one was taken away, the new one installed, and I was happy.

For five minutes.

The problem was, the rug looked great, but it shed. A lot. Unfortunately it was also the time of the year when the dog shed. A lot. Between the dog and the rug, we were suddenly overrun by brown, fuzzy dust bunnies. I vacuumed the rug, and brushed the dog. Then I vacuumed the dog and brushed the rug. Then I went out. 

When I got home, I saw that there was another explosion of dust bunnies all around the perimeter of the family room. I got out the dustbuster and dusted and busted, but five minutes later, the bunnies had taken over the room once more.

When I my husband got home, he sat down on the couch and looked around to admire the new rug.

“It’s nice, honey,” he said. “But what’s with all the fuzz?”

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March 10, 2010

The Picky Kid Whisperer

4422551411_68c0883b89 I noticed something last weekend while watching The Dog Whisperer;  people jump through hoops cooking food for dogs that looks better than what I serve around here.  And the dogs (much like my kid) aren't interested.

Unlike me these people have recourse and when wit's end is reached they call   Cesar Millan; The (Picky) Dog Whisperer.  After watching the pooch/family interaction for three, maybe four seconds he asks with a bemused smile, "You do know this is a dog, right?"

"Yeah! Oh, heck yeah! Of course, we know Francis Lyle is a dog!" they say, adjusting Francis Lyle's doggy pipe and slippers.  

And I know they are so lying.

Cut to Cesar taking Francis Lyle on over to doggy rehab for a few weeks of quality dog-pack interaction and the next thing you know, Francis Lyle (now known as The Lean Mean Frankster Machine),  is eating canned dog food from a bowl like a ...Well, a dog.

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Killer whale kills Sea World trainer, but should parents condemn all zoos and aquariums?

Tbzoo709B The recent death of a Sea World trainer by a killer whale has re-ignited the debate over whether wild animals like this should be in captivity. As a parent and animal lover, I continuously struggle with reconciling the enjoyment and educational value of seeing live, wild animals that we would not otherwise see (not everyone can afford to go whale watching or go on safari) with the fact that visiting zoos and the like support keeping these animals in captivity.

As a child, I fondly recall visiting the circus and one of my greatest experiences was touching a shark at Sea World. As an adult and parent; however, I won't take my daughter to a circus because of the reported cruelty in circus performances and I think she can have as much fun at a human-only show.

When it comes to zoos, I'm more ambivalent about the pros and cons of visiting them. Last summer, we took her to Turtle Back Zoo because as a member of the Association of Zoos & Aquariums they must provide animals with enrichment programs as well as a high level of care. However, I still felt a little guilty because even though they were well cared for, they were not in their native habitats.

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March 09, 2010

What's With All These Earthquakes?

Earthquakecrevice Yesterday I woke to the news that there was yet another major earthquake: this time in Turkey. So within the last eight weeks, a rattler was felt in the Chicago area, off the coast of California, Haiti, Chile and now Turkey. Not just the day-to-day barely noticeable shakes, but major earthquakes. I wonder what's going on with the earth's plates? Fault lines exist along the east coast. Will an earthquake hit here in New Jersey?

I didn't become frought with worry, but I did go so far as to hunt for our old earthquake emergency kit in the basement from our days living in California. I went through it with my four year old, explaining the strange treasures as we pulled them out one by one: solar blanket, solar radio, rain parkas, water boxes - these were all so foreign and funny to him. Had we remained in Cali, I would have shown him this kit before now, and we'd have purchased new ones every couple of years, replacing the food items as they approached their perishable dates and replacing our backup outfits and shoes every so often as well. (What really made me laugh was that my "backup outfit" were maternity clothes.)

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March 08, 2010

Daycare providers done wrong

Daycare This morning started out refreshing.  My three and a half year old son woke up smiling and was cooperative.  He wouldn’t wear his coat to daycare but no big deal, I let him freeze.

 Upon arriving at daycare I told my daycare provider I would be switching my son to a preschool closer to my work.  She nodded her head and said “I think that will be good for him”.  This decision comes after a few months of her saying “I worry for him when he gets to school because of his mouth.”  My son is the youngest of three boys, all of whom at smart alecks, created from the loins of the biggest smart aleck on the planet, their father, my husband.

She then followed up that statement with one that took me by shock and surprise.  “I think he has a problem and being around professionals will help diagnose that.  It may be ADD or Hyperactivity but none of us here are professionals so we can’t make that determination.”  Through a little more morning conversation and explaining to her why I am moving him, which in essence is none of her business, she proceeds to tell me that E’s biggest problem is, indeed,  his mouth.  Really? Your kidding? The son of two smart alecks at the age of three is mouthy? Stop it!  The blow came when she decided to tell me that everyday he has been calling Miss J a “bitch”.  At this point I told her that is something I should have been told every day it happened.

Instead a book is sent home with his activities for the day, his moods (always happy and active are circled), what he ate, which I know because I packed it and any notes the daycare feels are relevant.  Usually “E needs pull ups for nap time” or “Please send a picture of E by next Tuesday”.  Never, not once, has a note been written about his “mouth” or “behavior”.

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March 07, 2010

Calling A Penalty On the Marriage Ref

Arguing couple silhouette Have you heard about this new show, The Marriage Ref? I’m guessing you have since the incessant advertising campaign leading up to its premiere has reached the point of feeling like something out of A Clockwork Orange, our eyes sadistically pried open and bombarded with images that we are powerless to look away from or ignore.

So, yes, I watched it. And I laughed, a little. But mostly I just winced. The show is clearly meant as nothing more than a comedy platform – a chance for the three celebrity panelists and the stand-up comic host to come up with snappy zingers. But what about the real couples they’re bouncing their clever one-liners off of? Clearly they’ve entered into the arrangement willingly, for their misguided chance at their 15 minutes of fame perhaps? Who knows what motivates people to participate in these things. Humiliation as entertainment is very big business on American TV and there seems to be no shortage of clowns willing to step up and be sprayed in the face with seltzer for the hungry audience.

The first couple in the show’s one-hour kickoff episode was from New Jersey. Hooray, another stellar example of our great state’s stereotypes to bounce around the airwaves! A quick connection to the Jersey Shore idiots came within minutes, with shiny glam girl Eva Longoria worrying that the husband, who was being accused of spending too much time tending to his beauty regime, was overdoing it at the tanning salon under the influence of “The Situation” and his bronzed and brainless cohorts. And there was the wife, with her ultra-highlighted big hair, honking exasperated complaints at her overgrown himbo spouse with television-ready Jersey-style rat-a-tat delivery. Hilarious.

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March 05, 2010

Parenting by Feel

The Possibility of Everything I was always lucky enough to be surrounded by family after bringing a new baby home from the hospital. Each of the three times I gave birth, my folks would fly out from Santa Fe, my in-laws would come from Florida, and friends and extended family would visit. When my daughter was an infant and my two boys were 6 and 3, I was happy to have the company, and the extra hands to pitch in. One morning, as I was nursing my daughter upstairs alone in the bedroom, I had a premonition about something. Remember crazy eight balls

where you ask a question and the answer magically floats up from the unknown recesses of the smooth black globe? That's kind of like the experience I had: One minute I was rocking my daughter in the glider, and the next I was "receiving" a message from some mystical place in my mind, telling me that my three year-old had found the car keys and was in the driver's seat.  Somehow, I also knew that in spite of there being seven other adults in the house, nobody else had realized.

Though some may have dismissed this as the flotsam & jetsam of random thought, or attributed it to lack of sleep, I didn't even stop to question it. With my baby still attached to me, I ran downstairs, opened the garage door and found my adventurous toddler behind the wheel. To be honest, I have absolutely no memory of what happened after that: suffice it to say, someone must have heard whatever reaction I had, and got him, or I must have handed the baby off to a relative and gone after him myself. Though the story of my three year old trying to drive has become family legend, what truly resonates for me is my powerful, intuitive experience.

It's something I thought about again when I picked up Hope Edelman's new book, The Possibility of Everything, a gripping story that chronicles the journey of a "prove it to me" kind of mom, who is forced to transform into someone who believes in the unseen.  The book tells the story of her three year old daughter who suddenly acquires a very disruptive, invisible "friend." When her behavior becomes alarming, Edelman and her husband turn to Mayan healers to diagnose and treat her.

Like the author, I have learned that

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I want a C-Section!

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Nineteen bloated weepy years ago I bought all the books and magazines I could find about what was happening to my pregnant body.  And although much sideways-standing in mirrors ensued  nothing obvious happened for quite some time, so I continued reading.

It wasn't long before I became frustrated with the magical women in print who were having the Disney Princess version of pregnancy.  (That is, if Disney Princesses got knocked up which to my knowledge, they do not.) These Magical Moms all talked of natural delivery and good cheer; of layettes and breast feeding, and loving being pregnant.  And. Never. Feeling. More Beautiful. (I was all, WTF? When I read that. And honestly, I couldn't decide what made me feel the most beautiful - My pretty new varicose veins or the constant sweating.)

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The Possibility of Everything by Hope Edelman - A SV Moms Group Book Club

The Possibility of Everything Does your child have an imaginary friend? What would you do if you thought - or knew - your child's imaginary friend had a bit too strong of a hold on her? Jet off to Belize in search of Mayan healers to banish the friend? What a story this is. And a real life one too. Join us today as we discuss The Possibility of Everything by Hope Edelman.

Hope has also graciously done a Q&A with the SV Moms Group bloggers. Read the Q&A here.

New Jersey Moms Blog is hosting the book club discussion this month. Please leave a comment below to join in the discussion.

Past SV Moms Group Book Clubs have included: Click here to read all about the SV Moms Group Book Club.

Q&A with Hope Edelman, author of The Possibility of Everything

The Possibility of Everything Hope Edelman is the author of The Possibility of Everything, which SV Moms Group bloggers are discussing today for the SV Moms Group Book Club. Join in the book club discussion here. Hope graciously answered questions from our bloggers. Thank you, Hope! 

1) From Jessica, Silicon Valley Moms Blog - Do you think you would have eventually taken an alternative approach to dealing with Dodo if you hadn't been headed to Belize? 

That’s a good question. The answer probably would have been no. Back then, I felt like searching for a healer in Belize was my last-ditch effort before pursuing the psychiatric route in Los Angeles, which I’d been avoiding partly because of my own fear of what it might uncover, and partly because our health insurance was very basic and wouldn’t cover any of the cost. I didn’t know any spiritual healers in L.A. at the time, so it never occurred to me to pursue an alternative route here. That seems strange to me now, since such healers are so easy to find and now I know quite a few of them—especially in Topanga Canyon—but for whatever reason, I didn’t look into it back then. I can only guess that I needed to go to Belize and have the experience I did in exactly the way it happened, and that my mind and imagination were closed off in certain directions for that reason. 

2) From Lisa M., Silicon Valley Moms Blog - Early in your book you mention how your husband expressed "hurt surprise" when you tell him your idea for a book that explores situations like yours, where the husband works crazy hours leaving the wife mostly in charge of child rearing. How did he react initially when you told him about writing "The possibilty of everything?" Was he open to the idea or did he express misgivings over disclosing such intimate details about your marriage and child, Maya? Lastly, what did your husband think of the book (when it was finished)?  Did you have him read it before it was published? Thank you!  I just love your writing. 

Thanks, Lisa! I think by the time I was working on TPOE in earnest, which would have been around 2007, my husband had become much more comfortable (or maybe just resigned to) being married to a nonfiction writer. He understands that I write about my life not to expose people or settle scores, but in an attempt to get at underlying truths that will help readers navigate their own lives. Interestingly, he was the one who championed the idea of this book more than anyone, and all the way through he believed that its message was more important than his ego, which I admire hugely. He pretty much gave me license to include whatever I needed to tell a complete story. That said, I always have him read pages before they’re sent to my editor, and he has veto power to change or remove whatever he wants. He has an excellent reputation as a businessman and regular citizen in our town, and I don’t want to damage that it any way by printing my version of events.

There were very, very few things he asked me to change or omit in this book. Just two or three, as I recall. One of the truisms of writing memoir is that people almost never object to the things you think they will, but they’ll ask you to change or delete passages you’d thought were completely benign. That’s what happened with us, and because the details he wanted me to leave out were so small and didn’t change the story at all, it was very easy to oblige.

 
3) Lori from New Jersey Moms Blog -  I would LOVE to know how your daughter is doing now--how old she is, what she remembers from the experience, if your daughter still shows signs of being "spiritually sensitive," if you've talked about it and especially, how your life has changed now--if you have any spiritual practices--where you're at now with your outlook toward the unknown and how that informs your daily life. Also, how has it affected your marriage? Has it made you closer with your husband? THANK YOU!!!!!

Maya is twelve now, in seventh grade, and she’s completely fine. (Well, as fine as a twelve-year-old girl can be, massive amounts of eye-rolling aside.) She remembers bits and pieces from our trip in 2000, mostly from the second half. The first few days, when she was running a fever, may have been experienced more like a dreamscape to her. We brought her back in 2008 to reconnect with the people who’d helped her before, which was a terrific experience for us all. She and Dr. Rosita share a very special connection.

Maya has a very strong appreciation for nature now and an unusual affinity for plants, which I like to think comes from having been helped by them in the past. She’s also interested in the spiritual dimension of life, but I can’t tell if that comes from her time in Belize or mostly from growing up in Topanga Canyon. When she applied to middle school last year she wrote an admission essay about going to a dowsing conference with her father when she was six and how she now using dowsing rods to find her iPod around the house when it’s misplaced. I thought, “Oh my god! This school is going to think our family is nuts!” but I also didn’t want to censor her self-expression so we mailed it in. The director actually loved the essay. He appreciated that it revealed who she really was.

As for my outlook toward the unknown, I’m much more openminded toward alternative thinking and alternative medicine than I was ten years ago. When we went to Belize in 2000, my husband and I were on very different ends of that spectrum, and the trip brought us both closer toward the middle, into a range that’s much more amenable for co-existence. We respect each others’ viewpoints, and overlap on a wider range of beliefs and ideals now, whereas I couldn’t have said that before. But even though I’m not as skeptical as I was before, I’m definitely still the more skeptical partner in the marriage. The difference is that now I feel my skepticism is more thoughtful and pragmatic, rather than reactive.

My husband loves that I wanted to learn more about alternative healing to write the book, and he encouraged me to take Dr. Rosita’s Mayan Spiritual Healing workshops in Belize in 2008 and 2009. Both times he watched the kids alone for 10 days at home so I could go and believe me, that’s no easy job.

 
4) Cindy from Chicago Moms Blog - The leap of faith and the courage required to make this leap are recurring themes in your book. I found it interesting while reading The Possibility of Everything to realize that faith can extend beyond spiritual matters to those of sharing our stories - since those stories can be about some of the most intimate moments of our lives. Was faith required for you to lay bare some of what could be perceived as less than great parenting moments - for instance, your occasional lack of patience with Maya, or the struggle to force-feed her the cough medicine. (I'm not passing judgment. Believe me, I've been there - we've all been there!) 

I think of writing as an act of faith all its own. Every time I sit down at the computer I have to believe both in my own invisible abilities and in the power of words to create something out of nothing. So, yes! Telling this story was absolutely a leap of faith, and sharing it even more so. I knew it was a personal risk to publish a book like this, and that I might well come under fire for my spiritual beliefs. I didn’t expect the storm that would erupt online over my parenting practices, although in retrospect I can understand it. When I committed to writing the book, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t try to sugarcoat the story to make myself look good. I wanted to write a true, authentic story that honestly revealed who I was—or who I think I was—ten years ago, even if I feel that I’m not exactly the same person now. That part was very difficult for me, since there were moments when I found myself judging my own behavior in the past, and I had to struggle against the impulse to change or soften some of the scenes to save face. Even more than faith, it felt like I had to find courage and humility to write those parts of the book. But if even I judged myself as I wrote, of course other people would feel the impulse to judge me, too.    

That hotel scene in Guatemala City where I force medicine down my daughter’s throat was by far the hardest scene in the book to write, and I really debated whether or not to put it in. It illustrated an important moment when I came very close to hitting bottom from frustration and fear, but I knew it ran the risk of depicting me as violent and maybe even unhinged. Some memoirists worry about throwing other people under the bus when they write, but I think I threw myself under the bus a little with this one. I decided to put it in because I knew that almost every mother has a moment in her pasts where she had to resort to physical force to get a child to take eardrops, or eyedrops, or oral medication against the child’s will but for the child’s well-being. Most of us are afraid to talk about those moments because we worry how others will think of us, so in addition to this being an important scene in the story I hoped that it would help other mothers feel all right about the choices they’ve made, too. This scene has wound up being the one that mothers want to talk about most. 

5) Cindy from Chicago Moms Blog - In The Possibility of Everything you describe the loss of your mother and your extensive research into the experience of other motherless women, but not in a way that connects your own trauma with your daughter's disturbing behavior. I'm thinking specifically of the moment at the beautiful and amazing climax of your book when Maya asks, "You're crying, Mommy. Why are you so sad?" I heard questions like this from my own daughters when they were young. At the time I felt the need to remain vague and then to distract because the reality seemed too complicated and too frightening. Since writing the book, have you considered the possibility that a part of Maya's internal struggles may have been a reaction to the stress of her growing suspicions and understanding that her mommy had something terrible, most terrible, happen to her.

Interesting question, Cindy. As you point out, Maya was only three and too young to understand what death meant. I hadn’t gone into the story much with her beyond, “My mommy died when I was seventeen, but that’s not going to happen to us.” I think the stress that my husband’s long work hours had on the family, and the weight of doing most of the parenting on my own—coupled with my tendency to get easily overwhelmed--played the larger role in her behavior. But then again, a good part of the stress I felt was because I was out in California without any family to help me, and missing my mother so much, and feeling overwhelmed because of her absence, that I’m not sure I can separate out all the strands. So yes, I do think that the early loss of my mother did play into Maya’s struggles somehow, but I’m not sure the connection was such a direct one.

 
6) Linsey from Silicon Valley Moms Blog - I understand that you just returned this week from a trip to Guatemala. What were you doing there? Do you return there often? How has writing the book The Possibility of Everything affected your travels? Is it strange to return there? Did Maya join you on the trip? 

I was invited to teach at the Write By the Lake workshop run by Joyce Maynard. Twenty-eight students and four instructors spent a week together at Lake Atitlan. It was my first time in the highlands of Guatemala, which are just spectacular. Before, I’d only been to Guatemala City for that single fateful night in 2000, and to the Peten region where Tikal is. I took this trip alone but my daughters badly wanted to come, so next time I’ll try to bring them with me if I can.

To write TPOE, I went back to Belize four times, twice to study healing with Dr. Rosita, once with the family, and once to fact-check the book and shoot footage for a video trailer (which you can see at www.thepossibilityofeverything.com). I stayed at Crystal Paradise several times, visited Ovencio in San Antonio Village, and formed connections with several organizations that work to improve education, literacy, and rainforest preservation in Belize. A portion of the book advance was donated to a book drive for the San Ignacio Library and toward building two new classrooms in San Antonio. Belize is a beautiful country, but only about 60 percent of its citizens can afford to go to high school, so some of the book money was also donated to send two children to high school in San Ignacio this year.

How a Jewish girl from New York fell in love with a tiny Central American country, I’m still not sure. But I feel deeply connected to the place, and would like to keep going back, if I can. Also, my Spanish has gotten a lot better, I’m happy to report.

No Gifts For Kids' Birthday Parties?

Party-time-icecream The past two out of three invitations I have received for birthday parties has contained either the phrases "No gifts, please" or "In lieu of a gift, please make a donation to either the charity that is important to us or any charity you desire".

I've really found these requests to be refreshing.  Does this mean that I think that no child should receive any birthday presents from his or her birthday guests?  Absolutely not, but I think this option does work for some kids for a number of reasons.

It appears that some of the grand-parenting age have fared better in this recession/depression, having already or nearly paid off their mortgages, sent their kids through college and invested more conservatively, and are over-buying for their grandkids.  Recently one of my friends told me that her in-laws bought their grandchildren eight Hanukkah presents EACH for their four grandchildren.  Add to that the gifts she and her husband got the kids and that's a lot of toys.  

Another one of my friends told me that her mother buys her grandchildren ten toys and ten presents for each grandchild for every birthday and every Christmas.  That's only one grandparent! That's a lot of stuff!  

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March 04, 2010

Looking for a new speech writer, Tiger Woods? I've got your man!

Letter Mornings are pretty stressful around our house.  With two working parents and three kids under age six who need to get fed, dressed, and sent off to school/daycare with everything they need for the day, the family has to run like a well-oiled machine.  We have no choice in the matter.  However, every once in a while something occurs outside the norm and throws the whole morning off.  Today was one of those days, but it's one I'll never forget.

While I was upstairs nursing the baby, I heard a fight break out between my two older boys.  Apparently someone broke someone else's Lego Star Wars guy, which led to a poke and a smack.  The next thing I know my husband is comforting my middle son who is crying because his big brother hit him.  While my kids certainly aren't angels, they're generally respectful of each other so hitting isn't a regular occurrence.  Usually the best of buddies, when something does go wrong feelings are hurt and tears are shed. 

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March 02, 2010

Dropped Calls

1131636_79596033 I'm a cell phone killer. I'm probably wanted in multiple states for reckless cell phone homicide. I drop them. I drown them. Blackberrys hate me. Iphones fear me. Droids tremble in my presence.

It all started with my new phone. My husband and I changed plans and we had to get two new cell phones. Because we spent so much money, the cell phone company threw in two lesser phones for our kids. My kids were overjoyed with their new phones and we were all extremely happy for five minutes until I broke my phone.

Somehow or other as I tried to use it, I broke it. Fortunately it was under warranty for another ten minutes, so they agreed to replace it for free. Unfortunately, I would have to wait a week for my new new phone. So I borrowed my daughter's. And then I broke hers. I dropped it as she handed it to me.

Now the cell phone salesman had two phones to fix.

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March 01, 2010

My hypocrisy and how I plan to resolve it

Worldwide_percentage_of_adherents_by_religion There are Ten Commandments, my friends, and I've broken nearly all of them at one point or another. Sometimes repeatedly.

I had a real moment of truth in the not-so-distant past, while I was sitting with a small group of friends during fellowship at my church. My moment of truth had to do with the hypocrisy of claiming to be a Christian, yet consistently subscribing to the "do as I say, not as I do" way of living.  Is this where you're at these days?  I know I am not alone.

I was raised Roman Catholic and converted to Nazarene in 2007 so, for the past thirty years of my life, I have called myself a "Christian" alongside the rest of the estimated 33% of world-wide peoples who claim to be Christians.  (You can view the pie chart in a larger size if you click on it.)  I can't help but wonder how many of those 33% of people noted struggle daily, as I do, with self-hypocrisy.

Continue reading "My hypocrisy and how I plan to resolve it" »

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